• Nukhet Hendricks


The dictionary defines ritual as a religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

I do not have a religion even though I was raised in one.

I do not have rituals. But I am craving rituals, solemn ceremonies consisting of a series of actions that I can lose myself, my sense of time, and space in.

How did I end up here? I feel I don't have any foundation left. A foundation on which I can create my daily life is all gone, and I don't know how to create one from scratch. At least I do not know how to do it at this moment in time.

I turned away from religion because there was so much judgment. I craved a pure connection between God and me without any middleman, without judgment or fear. I just wanted God and me to figure out our own relationship between just the two of us. So, we did. We created our own very special rituals; God and me. It was pure magic. It was a connection like no other. It was the most exquisite “knowing” and the purest “blind faith” of knowing that God and I are one and being blind to everything else to the contrary.

And that worked for a good long while! Until I started to share what I know to be true from God herself with others.

And then that knowing became the chain around my neck. Everyone who knows me wanted a piece of my "knowing," and I got pulled around in every which way possible until the chain started to choke me! I didn't know how to stop people from pulling me around with that chain. I didn't know how to pull back the chains so that they don't have access to it. So, I remove the chains for once and for all; sent it to the deep end of the ocean. Shut the door on all my "knowing" and on my very own relationship with God. I lost her, my rituals, and my sense of belonging. But it was okay because I could keep myself so busy that I wouldn't notice the depth of my loss … until I did.

So here I am. I don't have rituals, but I am starving for them.

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