Musings at Dawn
I do my best thinking between 3:30 – 5:30 am! So, it was no surprise that it was 3:4 5 am when my eyes popped opened yesterday morning, and my first thought was, “I never had a job I loved so much that I couldn’t wait to get to work.”
I had and have a job I am really good at, and on paper, I am considered having achieved professional success. But I never had a job I loved so much to lose myself in it and forgot about everything else.
With this came the realization that I am really good at what I “should” do!
But I am not so good at “what I want and long to do.” If you were to ask my mother and sister, they will vehemently disagree and tell you that I’ve always done what I wanted to do. But I beg to differ for rebelling against what is, is not doing what you want to do. I rebelled! A lot, but I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do!
I now wonder, instead of doing what I wanted to do, did I do what I had to do and pretended it is what I wanted to do?
When does it start? Giving up on our dreams, I mean. Is it the first time we realize if we want to live on our own, we need to generate money for food, rent, and everything else in between? Is the system inherently rigged that once we tuck those dreams away in a shoebox on the shelf until… until I make enough money, until we pay the bills, until we earn another certificate, until … until …
And then our eyes pop open at 3:45 am, wondering when and how we sold out those dreams.
Here I sit, in a situation, someone once described as “remarkable,” and she is right. I am deeply grateful for the “remarkable” life I live right now! But I am bored out of my mind, trying to feed my intellectual and spiritual starvation with food and have an attention span of a monkey, unable to read a two-page article in one sitting.
Is it any wonder I want to burn it all down and start over?