• Nukhet Hendricks

11 Things on a Tuesday

1. For the first time, as a grown woman, I long to have a grown daughter. A daughter who is smarter than me, wiser than me, more compassionate and loving than me! A daughter who would be willing to give me a hug because she knew I needed it.

2. I understand why I feel that way all of a sudden when I spent a lifetime not having a single desire to have children, but secretly envying women who had that desire.

3. I just read an author's account of helping her daughter move out of the nest one last time. Their interactions, their palpable connection as a mother and daughter, dripped out of every single sentence.

4. I wonder how they got to that point because mother/daughter relationships are the most complicated of all relationships.

5. I longed, even if for one crazy moment, to have a daughter who would say, "Everything is fine" and hug me.

6. My two-bedroom tiny condo feels like a cocoon, where I now let myself turn to a blubbery, messy goo before I can come out of it a butterfly.

7. I do feel like a blubbery, messy goo; raw, teary and tender inside one minute, closed off, stone-cold rock the next.

8. It will take time to fully open up to the tenderness and the softness without letting the old wounds come back to haunt me because I spent so much time trying to stay rock solid.

9. It has been good for me to be away from Fargo. It is a hard place to live in… not just because of the bone-chilling weather for 6 months out of the year but more because of the bone-chilling distance of the people who are cloaked in the steadfast unemotional Nordic heritage.

10. I don't have to please anyone else but me after work hours! And that feels damn good. Why do some friendships feel so heavy to carry? Even if you really really love them.

11. Despite the best efforts of my parents to teach me how to manage a corporation as well as a household, officially, I am still not domesticated. I can run a nonprofit but still haven't learned the fine art of keeping a house!

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